Aug. 16th, 2011

amaranta: (Default)
You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)

I'm going to tell you a story. Usually you don't say such things - evil eye, you know. Well, this time it didn't help. For the last two months I've been under impression, that there is a guy. Boyfriend. It was my mistake. 

I really love the way the duck test is formulated: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Indeed, it looked like a duck, quacked so good, that I was spellbound, and turned out to be a piece of crap. 

I don't want to break down what we've been doing for these two months, but believe me, it was great. My type of "great", but still... Last week end we spent, among other things, planning my birthday party. Choosing place, thinking, how many people I can invite, that kind of things. Then I got sick, and then he got sick. But it was said more than once, that by Saturday we both are getting better and meet at the party. Till the last moment I was 100% sure. You might have already guessed, what comes next. 

We didn't meet there. I was the first one to come, a little bit early, just to make sure everything is OK. Some people come on time, and 15 minutes later I got a message with the question: What's up? It was very strange, so I called back, and he murmured he wasn't coming. Or he would come, but later, because first he had to go to some family gathering with his mom. To be completely honest, I freaked out. I somehow pulled myself together and asked him to come whenever he could, just to talk. He didn't say anything; he heard me crying and didn't say anything. He never came, and we haven't talked since then.

In my opinion, it's just nuts. It is simply inhuman. You don't do that to your girlfriend, you don't do that to anyone. You just don't do that... I'm not writing what happened between us in these two months that we were together. One night erased it all. At the moment i was standing in front of the restaurant, crying, and asking, how come he couldn't find a minute to send me a message, at this moment everything that happened before became meaningless. 

I went back to the restaurant, I had a great time with my friends, but by the end of the night I felt that I couldn't be alone. Danny and Arina took me to their place, I slept on the couch. I actually slept, no tears, no dreams. Next day I asked my other friend to stay overnight. I was still afraid of my own consciousness. At home it was even harder. Not like in 2,5 Men, when Alan asks Charlie: What did you do on that table? Very few things remained uninvolved in some kind of memories. But memories are fine. Thoughts are much worse. Thoughts that all these songs he sang, all hugs, all tons of stupid little things we've done together (or not so stupid, or not so little) were not for real. I don't think he was lying to me. I'm sure he was not. He was lying to himself. 

He told me once that he went serve in a combat unit in order to be cool. I thought to myself, that it was childish, in my opinion it's the other way round. That's exactly the same thing. To dedicate Bach's sonata to a girl is cool, brag about me is cool. Everyone wants to look better than he really is, even in his own eyes. But that couldn't last forever. His real attitude I felt on Saturday. No phone call, no message, no stupid "mazal tov" even when I called myself. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. What kind of person does that?

It's not easy; it's not entertaining, but it's crystal clear. No more talking, no explanations, I will never see this person again. Not that I want to, I just know, it won't happen. I still have some of his things in my apartment, and beer we bought together but didn't have time to drink. He won't come to take it. It's much easier just to vanish in the haze. Although I can't understand how can he do that? I understand the necessity to attend sudden family events; I can even assume he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I just can't understand why he did that to me. 

People who had actually seen us together keep telling me that he's not worth it, and I can do better. I'm not so sure of what I can or cannot do. But I believe that I don't deserve to be stood  up on my birthday. Nobody does.  


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August 2011

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